5 Stars, Sayonara!

What is it with 5 Star Hotels? I shan't complain too much because it was a free stay this last weekend in DC, but you don't need to splurge on me nice ophthalmology conference organizers.

Where to begin with you so-called 5 Star Hotel chains:

~Vallet parking $35 bucks a day, plus a tip every time they pull your sweet,  dented mini-van out. It should be a privilege to ride in a van that only gets washed by the rain and that has a special house oil air freshener to the left of the passenger seat. I popped off the cap just for you, Mister Vallet Driver, to rid the van of any staleness before you sat down.

~Onto you Mister I Have To Carry Your Bags Guy.  "Really, we got it, we want to carry our bags...  No, really, we got it, thanks.  Yep, leave them there, it's okay, there are other customers that I'm sure need your help. Yes, I know we have three kids running around touching glass sculptures and we have lots of food bags, but we'll manage. We always do. (Polite chuckle with a quick nodding smile) Put them down. Our bags. My bags. Those right there, we'll take them. Ourselves. What? You're saying WE can't operate the luggage cart on our own.  I can't imagine it being that hard Sir? Oh, it's your policy. Uh-huh, I see, we'll get hurt? Uh-huh. Riiiiigggght.  Hummph. Alright then." Nothing left in me, but a puff of air to blow the hair from my eyes while we all rode silently up the elevator.

~Ms. Front Desk Lady, I did not care for the manner in which you greeted me. It did not brighten my day nor did it make me feel welcome and glamorous in your five star hotel. Maybe try a smile, a little eye contact?

~No free breakfast. It's a given, rich people like to pay $20 for their poached eggs and toast. No problem,  I have my ways around it (don't we all).

~No TV Cartoons. You must pay $4 bucks per episode. Good thing I brought extra grade school worksheets to the hotel.  The kids were overwhelmed with screaming joy! Actually, not true.

~Do you know what really sent me over the edge?  I get up to go exercise at the gym and they wanted to charge me $10 to workout. Yes, maddening.  I turned around and walked right back out. I decided I would rather walk in the cold instead.  I really needed my jacket, but it was left in my vallet parked van and I didn't feel like paging Mr. Vallet Driver to retrieve it for me.  His whole 20 yard walk to my parked car and the annoying expected tip would have irradiated me, so I continued to walk through the revolving doors. I eventually warmed up by the time I got to the Washington Monument.


Remedy

We've got our cereal, (Use mugs and glasses from room. I did have have paper bowls in my hand, along with my jacket when we pulled up to the hotel,  but I absentmindedly left them due to the umpteenth distraction a mom encounters upon arriving to such places.  My name is called in every direction that, well, you forget the bowls and jacket. Fearing that I had to tip Mr. Vallet Man once again to fetch them, I opted to spoon my cereal at a perpendicular angle out of my mug. It's greener this way, I tell myself.

The ice bucket was soon lined with fruit instead of ice

Boxed Couscous, just add hot water from the coffee maker. If you don't like paying for over priced corn dogs on the kid's menu, you may want to try this route. Mat and I even get take-out at a place we want to try (i.e. Persian Food) and bring it back to the hotel while the kids eat couscous.  Everybody wins, and we don't even have to fight tired kids in a restaurant.

Nutella for sandwiches because it was a special occasion. Ha! (I can hear Dannielle laughing) Everyday is a special occasion because my kids eat Nutella everyday for lunch. Bless you secret Nutella making elves for your utter numminess. 

Here we have the cooler packed with milk, vanilla soy milk ( I like it on my cereal, although, intriguingly, I am hardly lactose intolerant), yogurt, hard boiled eggs, cheese, deli meat, and tabouli salad. Wheat bread on top with cutting board, knife and Becket's pipe cleaners that he decided to stab into the cooler on the drive down. I thought it was genius of him, so I left them to decorate my cooler. It had me smiling every time I opened it.

And, here is a big bag I carry to function in a city that has no bathrooms and few and far between places for refreshment. It's a little heavy in the morning, but endurable since I am rested and I have strength (because I am She-ra).   By lunch time, when I am wearing down, my bag is considerably lighter and I use it to throw the kids sweaters into after they shed them. Be sure to pack wipes in a zip loc, sanitizer, sunglasses, sunscreen, hotel key card, wallet, gum, subway passes, water, band-aids (get them at the front desk), a little something special to get them through those long DC walks, and lunch.  It makes your day go so much smoother when kids are tired, but not hungry.

How I stick it to so-called 5 star hotel:

I took two cups herbal tea back to my room that they had sitting out from one of the business conferences .  It was weak, but I felt good about it.

Note
I also tipped the maid, because out of anybody on the wait staff, she deserves it and never gets a single thought.. ALWAYS TIP THE MAID, and that is coming from experience. It always made my day. People are gross and their morning breath still lingers long after they've gone. Cleaning rooms is especially traumatizing if you are only 14 and a German man answers the door wearing nothing but a hand towel. Something I wish no upon no one.