The Stream

Friday, February 22, 2013

Yelp Review for my Frozen yogurt Craving

I was trying to figure out a great place to take the family out for frozen yogurt and decided to read some reviews.  I came across this review for Frogurt in Midvale and thought it was hysterical. MUST SHARE:

Have you ever started dating someone that turned out to be crazy? In the beginning it's all exciting. You love those little quirky things that make them unique like their amazing collection of funky scarves or how they always call you "boss" (or ma'am) in a cute nicknamey way.

Then one day, a couple of weeks in, you start thinking, "Wait a second. I've never seen them WITHOUT a scarf on."

So the next time you're with them you decide to investigate, and things get frisky (as they tend to get, especially in new relationships) and you ever-so-slyly slip off their scarf. You're kissing, but you open your eyes to peek at their neck because seriously, what is with that scarf? And their neck looks fine and you feel like a shallow jerk for having checked.

But just then the kissing changes directions and you see the other side of their neck. And all of the sudden your eye-to-eye with this HUGE TATTOO of a flaming skeleton with flesh falling off of it and below it says "I will eat your babies." And you realize this isn't just ANY tattoo, this is a prison tattoo, and you realize that they call you "boss" because that's what prisoner call the warden.

So now you're freaking out but you're stuck with your lips locked to the spawn of Satan and you're afraid to stop kissing for fear they're going to get mad and one day hunt you down and eat your babies, but on the other hand, you're scared to keep kissing because you're now afraid they might eat YOU. 

Has that ever happened to you?

Well that's how I feel about Frogurt. At first it's all fun and games. You fill up a massive cup with lots of different flavors of frozen yogurt and then add toppings from a library of chocolatey, gummy, cerealy, syrupy indulgences. You have no idea what you're getting into, because honestly, besides some guy in Iceland you saw on a Discovery Channel special, NO ONE can tell how much something weighs--to the ounce--just by holding it and filling it with gummy bears. 

But hey, you're blind to this because you're in love and you're about ready to take the relationship to the next level by eating your froyo. So you bring it up to the cashier/topping jockey to be weighed. And that's when the devil rears its ugly head and tells you that for the same price of your frozen yogurt you could have bought an Oldsmobile. 

So now you're freaking out but you're stuck with a bowl full of admittedly tasty froyo in a store with sleek leathery couches that you can't really just put back but you don't want to pay that much for it. This is frozen yogurt. It's not enriched uranium. 

Great looking place. Conveniently located. Average selection of flavors and toppings. But like most froyo places it starts out great and turns crazy when its time to pay.

Have you ever seen yelp dramatizations.  YouTube it.  Actors reading reviews from Yelp.  I believe this one needs to be acted out.

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